This situation was not aided by the holiday gifties I received this year. As I tore into my presents - with the requisite level of unbridled avarice - I realized that I now had more than enough DVDs and other media to distract myself for months to come. Not only was I lucky enough to get the complete Robbie Coltrane series Cracker, but I was also gifted both the complete set of Cadfael mysteries and the newest Jonathan Creek Christmas special. (Yes, I do realize that any respect you may have had for me has now evaporated; the scales have fallen from your eyes only to reveal me as the world's largest dork. Well, that or an elderly British woman. Or both.)
If these DVD sets, on their own, were not enough to distract me for months to come, I also unwrapped a Roku player. As you undoubtedly know, the Roku player allows you to stream instant viewing Netflix movies to your television. I have had Netflix for years, but have never done much with its instant viewing category. Other than the few documentaries I've watched on my laptop while sick, instant viewing and I were basically not on speaking terms. The reason for this? I loathe watching movies on a computer. As in I hate it so much I would literally rather reread the worst novel you have on hand (Valley of the Dolls, anyone?) than do it.
Trying to watch a movie around a cat is clearly not ideal; nor is having to restart the movie every five seconds because your cat is lying on the escape key. But, I cannot blame my aversion to watching movies on my computer entirely on the haunches of my adorable furball. I have other reasons as well. There seems to be no good place to set my computer for me to watch a film on it; its normal abode, my desk, is at an awkward angle to my bed, and setting my computer on the foot of the bed makes me feel like I am sitting in the first row at the movie theatre. Plus, the remote only seems to work from one angle; only by a complicated series of calisthenics am I able to actually disjoint my elbow enough to allow the remote to communicate with the computer. And by this point, I am so frustrated that I no longer want to watch anything. All I want is a hot bath and a soothing collection of Andrew Lang fairy tales.
The Roku player enables me to watch television shows and movies instantly but, thankfully, I can now stream these to my T.V. (My cat has not yet figured out how to get on top of my television; she does like the Roku remote though.) Once I set up the machine, I spent a good two hours perusing the catalog of items that Netflix offers you for instant viewing. There is some real crap here - or, to be more honest, a lot of real crap here - but there are also some great options. Nearly all of Hitchcock's films are included, as are many of Werner Herzog's; and the television category includes most of the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes series, the Wire in the Blood series, and numerous MST3K episodes. I added these to my queue along with several other shows and movies of a, well, less reputable origin (Purple Rain, anyone?).
Being in my lethargic, post-holiday mood, I have yet to actually watch any of the documentaries or foreign films in my instant viewing queue. Instead, I've spent my free time working through television shows that are either geared for children or, even scarier, geared for adults with less intelligence than small children. Normally a little of this fluff goes a long way with me but, being in my January stupor, I have loved every second of this mindlessness. So, rather than regale you with anything useful or deep, we are going to take a brief detour into some of the television shows I have come to know (or rekindle my relationship with) thanks to my Roku player. Do not fear, I am sure this will only be a temporary foray into semi-popular culture.
Ah, the 1970's. Not only did this decade produce such stunning feats of magnificence as yours truly, but it also gave us the bell bottom, disco, and this ridiculous television show. If you have ever thought to yourself: "gee, I'd love to see Shaun Cassidy, Parker Stevenson, and Pamela Sue Martin investigate Scooby-Doo-esque shenanigans" then this show is like a belated holiday gift just for you. The nefarious criminals, upon being unmasked, may not shriek out "if it weren't for you meddling kids!" but you can tell they are thinking it. Hard.
For anyone who enjoys super light mystery programs - I am thinking of Murder She Wrote here - this show would be a good alternative. There is nothing too taxing, nothing too violent or scary, and you can easily keep track of who the small cast of characters are. Plus, and this is a big plus for me, there is awesome (and awesomely ridiculous) 1970's fashion on parade in nearly every scene . . . the bell bottomed corduroys and jeans; the tight sweaters; the blouses tied over tee-shirts; and the huge amounts of Aqua Net infused hair. Priceless.
Should you happen to watch Nancy go off to investigate the Whispering Walls, pay attention to the outfit she dons to go inside the bowels of the house. (I am thinking this is the equivalent of a painting outfit for the uber-stylish and feminine Miss Drew.) Those bell bottomed corduroys had to be the envy of every single teenager back in 1977; hell, I sort of want them now.
Ah, Quincy: the renegade medical examiner who is willing to do just about anything to make sure that a correct cause of death is noted and justice is served. Take on the police force? He's done it; in fact, he does it nearly every episode. Fight City Hall and win? He tackled this in the show's premiere episode. Use his own funds to fly to a foreign country and exhume a body only to make sure an innocent boy is not sent down for a murder he did not commit? All in a day's work for Quincy.
I first encountered Quincy when I was in high school. Growing up, my house lacked cable television. In addition to the standard T.V. networks - ABC, NBC, Fox - we received a local Los Angeles channel called KDOC. At the time, this channel loved to show old crime dramas: Quincy, McMillan and Wife, Banacek, Rockford Files, Perry Mason, etc. Being the crime drama fan I am, these were basically the only shows I watched on television. I may have been clueless about whatever cool new thing was happening, but boy did I know a lot about 1970's style police work.
Quincy is an odd show for me to like, as I am generally opposed to shows that focus on doctors and hospitals. And by generally opposed, I mean that I freaking HATE these types of television shows. I would literally rather be in the E.R. than be forced to watch an episode of E.R. (At least that way I could read a book, or browse through an Us Weekly.) Why do I hate the medical drama so much? Frankly, I just think they are boring. I do not find resuscitation, amputation, or shunt insertion exciting drama, and I hate the trite feel goodness of all of these shows. Doctors as martyrs, valiantly saving one crucial life after another as an Enya song plays in the background. They may have their own personal demons and problems, but in the O.R. everything just makes sense. (Visualize me dry heaving here.) Boring content + trite sentimentality = something I will never voluntarily watch.
What is appealing about Quincy, for me, is that the show is structured much more like a crime show than a medical drama. Although Quincy is a medical examiner - complete with microscope and lab coat - he spends most of his air time acting like a P.I.: hunting down suspects; questioning rapscallions; and, chastising the police force brass for their failure to provide justice for all. If being an M.E. were actually like this, I would have added it to my list of possible career options back in my freshman year of high school.
Sure the show is formulaic: whatever Quincy thinks is always right. Always. In fact, he is so unfailingly correct that you would think the police force, and city hall, would simply raise the white flag when they see him approaching. But the show is formulaic in the same way that Columbo and Perry Mason are: we know these individuals possess the unadulterated truth, but we get the pleasure of watching them prove this to the skeptical (and more than slightly dense) world around them.
You may not be able to fight the law and win, but Quincy sure can. Every single week.
To be honest, I had never even heard of this show when I saw it on the list of Netflix instant viewing options. When was this show aired? Who knew. What network was it on? Not a clue. Imagine my chagrin when I saw that it aired last year on CBS. (See how firmly I have my finger on the pulse of popular American culture?) In my defense, this is not entirely my fault. While I do own a television, I have carried on my family's long and noble tradition of not having cable. The result of which is that I, with my digital T.V. receiver, am able to watch shows on only four stations: ABC, NBC, PBS and a local station called "Action 36." CBS is just not on my (completely minimal) radar.
Going into this show, my expectations were fairly low. For starters, CBS is not known to produce great thrillers; also, I saw Harry Hamlin's name in the credits. Although I tolerated him in Veronica Mars (a show I did, embarrassingly enough, like) he is not exactly on my A-list.
The premise of Harper's Island is simple: a group of individuals arrive on the island for a wedding only to be picked off one-by-one by a serial killer. The current spate of violence echoes back to the island's past; seven years ago, a similar series of murders were committed by John Wakefield. Although Wakefield is believed to be dead - the Sheriff shot him - some members of the wedding party have their doubts. Is John Wakefield still alive? Is he, and he alone, responsible for these murders or is there a more complicated explanation for all this death?
Harper's Island is not a "deep" show. If you are looking for something that will make you think, challenge your perceptive powers, or be completely plausible, look elsewhere. This is not to say that the show is bad or a waste of time; on the contrary, I watched all 13 episodes and enjoyed it immensely. It is a highly entertaining horror series, with several moments that are genuinely scary.
If you were to create a hybrid of Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None, Twin Peaks, and classic horror films you would come up with something that looks a lot like Harper's Island. You may not want to admit that you spent 13 hours of your life watching this low brow series but you would need to be much stronger than I to turn it off.
In the interests of full disclosure, I should admit that I am partial to just about everyone and everything involved in this project: Anthony Minghella, who adapted the myths and fables; John Hurt and Michael Gambon, who act as the storytellers; and Jim Henson studios, which created and operated the Muppets used in these episodes. I have been a huge Muppet fan ever since I was a child, and still routinely throw on The Muppet Movie whenever I need some serious comforting.
The Storyteller was produced for HBO in the late 1980's. There is one series based on folk tales, which are narrated by John Hurt, and another series, narrated by Michael Gambon, that centers on the Greek myths. As the storyteller tells his trusty Muppet dog the tale, the plot is acted out with the help of live actors and an assortment of Muppet creations.
I watched the first episode of the fairy tale series - entitled "The Soldier and Death" - and, not surprisingly, enjoyed it a great deal. The story involves a Russian soldier who, in return for his last three biscuits, is given three magical gifts. How he uses these gifts, and the fate they lead him towards, is the plot of the fairy tale.
Unlike the dry, overly childlike renditions of fairy tales that are out there, this tale was well written and appealing to an adult audience. (Or, at least to this adult. I am a rather childish grown up though.) If you appreciate fairy tales, and the magic that is the Muppets, you should definitely check out this series.
None of these shows will make you any smarter, or cooler, or better looking. But they will prevent you from having to do something productive with yourself for hours (or days) on end. Looking to escape the dishes? Throw on some Quincy and crack open a bag of chips -- you are set for the evening. Need a show to help you while away part of your weekend? Let me introduce you to Harper's Island and pizza delivery. As long as you have a water supply nearby, you are all set for the next 13 or so hours of your life.
And, if you start to get bored with your television options, you should remember that the instant viewing list on Netflix also includes some fine feature films. Some of these, like Vertigo, are actually quality films; others, like the 'provocative' classic Purple Rain, are just plain fun to watch. Who couldn't kill two hours of their life watching Prince mope, prance around, and dry hump the floor? Anyone? Point made.
It may not be deep, but good god is it entertaining.
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